Rest Of Homecoming Wrap Up

I'm sorry for the delay, you impatient bitches, but I've been very busy! At some point over the past two weeks, my job actually became a job and not just a fun place to take diet pills and play on Facebook all day, and I've lost sight of what's really important - that would be entertaining all of you for free. SO, onto the rest of Homecoming.

The rest of Homecoming was a bit of a blur. The Howl Terrace is by far the greatest thing ever. The biggest disappointment was the lack of Fordham Legend Frank Altomaro terrorizing the entire bar; don't worry Frank, there was another large shirtless Italian man who was breaking all of Bobby's patio furniture and screaming in a drunken stupor in your place. I didn't realize how much I missed Bobby's awkward sexual come ons and the slaps on my ass. He and the rest of the Albanian gypsy folk who run that glorious block are slowly taking over the entire neighborhood.

Later on in the evening I went over to the Anything But Clothes Party thrown by the poorly manscaped Fordham Lacrosse team. These freaks put my name on their damn invitation and promoted the party by saying I was going to bartend; I had no idea who any of them were, and I now only know maybe 2 or 3 of their actual names, but they had a sick party, I will not lie. The fact they turned the music off and announced my arrival was a nice touch. I bartended for a hot five seconds then got to meet the friends of Photoshop Girl, but not the legend herself, as she was hiding in her room from me all Homecoming weekend. Her friends were very sweet, and I was disappointed to find out that Photoshop Girl was not just drunk and acting like a freshman last week; she really is awful. That sucks, because I secretly wanted to be her friend. Jaykay, I have enough friends. The girls I met were much nicer anyway, they will all go far. The Lacrosse team did a good job of getting out of the shadow cast by John Colucci and his angry fists of death that we all remember from The Great Mugz's Brawl '08 last year. The one with no facial hair who managed to knock over every bottle on the bar after passing out on it is a shining beacon of hope for all the McLovin's of the world.

After I bounced out of that scene I headed over to the glorious Howl at the Moon, and that shit was beat. You know I love that hole with all of my heart, but the crowd was not cute. The class of '08 tried their best though. I think we were all so drunk from the day that no one really had any desire to keep on going. When I left there was a MOB SCENE outside. So many drunk people I never wanted to see again in my life! I guess the same can be said about me. You all thought the Wicked Witch was dead and here she is, still poking her nose into places it doesn't belong.

I'd like to give a special shout out to the drunk girl who was trying to discretely take my picture in University Pizza. You do you girl. You do you.

Well sluts, the rest is up to you. If you've got anything for me to post, let me know. If not, I will see you all in hell. And by hell I mean the Spring Weekend concert, because you know they're going to fuck that shit up again. See you all soon.

Homecoming Wrap Up: The Tent

Well the most hyped event in the world came and went without any broken bones, deaths, or visible signs of child labor. Jaykay! What would a night at Howl be without a group of 10 year old children locked in a dark room scrubbing dishes and losing fingers while preparing my beloved fried ravioli?! I'm going to do these posts in sections because a lot of funny things happened, so residents of Laxgate can chill out and wait patiently. Onto the tent though. The tent was on Eddie's which was nice DESPITE the fact that it was 900 degrees inside. I was also disappointed in the sausages - they were not as delicious as they were last year, but that pulled pork was something else! That whole "we don't serve booze during the game thing" provided for my early exit, but it was a nice effort on behalf of the school. Did anyone get a free gift?! I got cardboard ram horns and a plastic bag to wear on my head in the rain... Did I miss it? Or was that the gift?

Noteable sightings: Tess Mengel and Ally DeVellis shoving pulled pork into their mouths and then attempting to steal an entire tray to bring back to their apartment, an angry lesbian in fleece giving me the look of death, migrant worker Hosay Chavarro hitting on everything that walked in the absence of his girlfriend, and the entire cast of "Sexually Ambiguous Swim Team Of FUrez's Underclassmen Years".

HOMECOMING OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

My children, Homecoming is so close I can taste it. G chat windows belonging to members of the Class of '08 in offices all over Manhattan have been buzzing all week long, with messages like "3 dayyyyyyyyys" and "I can't wait to pour a drink over that photoshopped girl's head" (see post below). I actually work with an alumnus and she tries to rain on my parade saying it will not be that good, but I am pretending she doesn't exist until next week so that she can't ruin my Homecoming any further. So apparently the tent is on my beloved Eddie's this year. This excites me, because Eddie's is much closer to the bars than Martyr's lawn. I plan on bringing my futon. Showers are predicted, but hey, it can't get much worse than Spring Weekend last year, right?

The most precious jewel on my crown of gayness and former transsexual queen of Howl at the Moon, Miss Cat Love, is flying in from Los Angeles and staying with me at my apartment for this occasion. What does this mean? Well for me it means fake eyelashes and duct tape (for the tuck back) will be stuck to the bottom of my shoes until Sunday. For you, it shouldn't mean much... unless you're a girl and Steve Orts banged you out while they were dating! Expect a tranny beat down if this is the case. An angry tranny never forgets.

Class of '08 - The Alumni Office didn't want to sponsor a drink up or anything at a bar on Friday night because they were afraid we wouldn't be able to make it to Homecoming the next day. The promise of hearing Bobby from Howl's awkward sexual come-ons at 10 AM alone will get me out of bed and up to the Bronx on time, and I'm sure the same goes for all of you. I took the liberty of renting out PRIME for all of us to party the night away at, VIP style, just like after Senior Ball. Jaykay, but let's do something for serious. Leave your suggestions in the comments. Anyone who says McFadden's or Calico Jack's gets a swift kick to the face.

To be honest, it's not Bobby that will get me there early, it's the fact that the first 500 people get a free gift! It will be the first thing Fordham has ever given me for free, and you best believe I will not miss it. I hope my free gift is my highly sought after picture of Fordham Alum/Soap Opera Legend/Dancing With The Stars Frontrunner SUSAN LUCCI, which hangs in the bookstore, just out of my reach. A boy can dream...

See you there sluts.

Photoshop Award Of The Year

Word is that the porcelain doll in the picture above is wreaking havoc at Howl. The fact that she's tagged in an album titled "Shit did we eat a chicken roll last night?" hints that she's only been at Fordham a little over a month. The fact that she also poured a drink over my best friend's head after pushing her out of the way and giving a cunt look when being told to say excuse me suggests that she doesn't quite get her role at Fordham yet. Now, when I was a freshman, I used to shit my pants if I made eye contact with a senior. I also used to just say "I'm sorry" anytime I brushed against someone in Howl. Now that I think of it, I said "I'm sorry" in response to pretty much anything as a freshman, because I wanted no enemies. The last thing I wanted was for some homo with a blog to put my picture on it and lambaste me for being a tacky bitch with no manners and no idea how to conduct herself in public. So if you see her, just, you know, get out of her way. She totally means business.


Gina, now that I did this, can you please let me sleep over for homecoming? I really don't want to go back to my apartment Saturday night, I will probably be too drunk. Let me know. Thanks.

You Will Never Be Rid Of Me

So my friends at The Observer, the Lincoln Center newspaper, asked if they could interview me and just published the nice Q&A session. OF COURSE, they cut out the last two questions, which were funny, so the article ends up sounding like I take myself very seriously. I may be completely out of touch with reality, but I never take myself seriously. I've included the last two questions below.

OBSERVER: If you were being rescued from a stranded island, name 5 people or objects you would definitely leave behind.

FH: Sonya Michelle Izmylovaaaa would stay, as would her other half Ben, because I

know we'd get a phenom facebook album filled with pictures of her posing in all

sorts of large sun hats. I'd also leave my little tan friend from LC, but take all of his

orange paint and fake Channel earrings. I'd leave my ex because he's in the closet,

and there's no better place to hide than a deserted island! Lastly, I'd leave my eighth grade yearbook, complete with picture of me with 6 chins and tragic Mariah Carey song lyric under my graduation picture.

OBSERVER: Finally, my mom told me when I was a baby she took me to the set of All My Children and Susan Lucci held me. Jealous?

FH: Whatever Carly, Susan holds me every night in my dreams anyway.

Read the entire article here.

Freshmen: FAIL

FUrez reader Brent sent me a link to some facebook profile that's trying to be like Gossip Girl. Fail. The twelve freshman friends it has MAY be a tip off that it's a freshman. I'm not sure. Below:

Hello Fordaminians. Its time for our first story from the Rumor Ram, aka.....me.
Well, lets skip all the formalities and dive straight into it. We all know our resident freshman hottie, Jean Butel. He is goregous and foreign, but is he just a player like all the others? Jean, as you may or may not know has a long time girlfirend, Talei from my sources. They have been together for a while now, but Pretty Boy has been seen with what seems a different girl every week. It started with Juliette, and progressed from there, but how does our Pretty Boy's girlfriend feel about this act what can be catagorized as infidelity when shes 3000 miles away? Wouldn't we like know?

This isn't even exciting! Fail! What is a "Fordhaminian"? You know a fat girl wrote this shit. One who "catagorizes" herself as "goregous". That Jean kid has deceiving Facebook pictures too. Another fail. FAILURES ALL AROUND.

Overdue Blind Item

Which college republican has been caught cruising the men seeking men section of Craigslist multiple times? I'm sure you have several suspects, but don't leave a hanging chad on your ballot when you cast your vote.